Inadequacy
by TheParadoxofDecision
Summary: Katniss goes to Harvard against her will, and she makes it well known to her best friend Johanna. But what happens when her controversial views attract the attention of second year architect, Peeta? She finds hers self falling for him but she can't since she made Johanna promise 'No boys, I swear', now it seems she may be the one breaking the promise AU Modern Day Update every week
1. Prologue-Social Barricades

**Social Barricades**

Thanks for the taking the time to read my story. Love you all. I have a beta so hopefully less mistakes.

Stay Crispy (penned by my ghetto friend Satsumasquisha)

A/M

Inadequacy is fatal. We often occupy our minds with irrelevant information and emotions, which weakens us and makes us all unable to grasp the true meaning of concepts and decisions made in this world. We are all inadequate. Some, admittedly, more than others, but still inadequate. I am the epitome of inadequate, a perfect case study. All my life I have never been quite _enough_ for anybody or anything. My only _wish_, and I use the term very loosely, is to be enough, to be perfect for something anything at all, maybe this year will be different.

* * *

'Black coffee, strong, no frills'. The café is brimming with students, a haven and relief from the three hour lectures that are standard at Harvard. It even feels wrong now, after one year at this institute of knowledge I still don't feel like I belong. My parents forced me because, in their words: 'There is only one place where your mind will be fully appreciated and challenged'. I grab the hot cup from the counter and meander my way through the endless crowded tables to settle in a small booth. No one ever sits here; it's closed off and hidden. I settle myself to be met with the face of my best friend, Johanna. We are complete polar opposites but I suppose that makes sense.

'So what's up Doc?'

'My chances of becoming a rampant murderer,' I reply as I lean forward and look into the black coffee.

'Whoa, OK, I sense that I touched a nerve. This is me backing up emotionally and as a friend.' She puts her hands up and scoots back up the bench. I look up while emptying a pack of sugar into the coffee and give her a knowing smirk. I really care about her, which is weird because I have never cared much for anyone, apart form my parents. I don;t like dealing with emotions, I zone out as soon as anyone starts discussing their feelings. There have been many awkward moments with my dad, when he asked me on my feelings especially when I didn't get the highest grade in class. Maybe it was due to the fact that he watched way to many movies that he constantly felt the need to stop the car and turn to me with a down turned moustached face and say 'How are you feeling about your situation darling?', every other week. I guess thats why I am hardened towards emotions. I was constantly being told to voice them against my will that I decided not to have them, or if I did, not tell anyone. But with Johanna, she enables me to be me. She would never turn away during my many rants about how rubbish Harvard was, or on how I hate almost every single human being on this planet who is alive (I like mainly dead people). And she always had just the right answer to my problems that would put me at ease. Thats why I care for her. From the moment we meant, I new she wasn't like the boring clones I meet everyday. She had personality, was educated without being snobby and above all, understood why I hated everything (well most things) in life.

* * *

I dumped my books onto the table, sat down and propped myself up on my left elbow so I blocked off the person next to me. Social interaction and small talk were not my strong points. I tried to listen to the introductory talk on life at Harvard University, but frankly I could only see it as a sad gathering of wannabees who wanted a quick route to riches and academic triumph, and so I tuned out.

'You know I always find that the Philosophy of Human Nature 3.1 text book acts well as a social barricade.' I turned to find a brown haired girl with brown eyes that look as bored and tired as mine. I tilted my head to the side and frown.

'Just saying. Judging by your body language you are as disgusted and depressed as I am at the farce spectacle that is unravelling before our very eyes,' she says, indicating with her eyes at the lecturer who was pointing to a presentation slide saying 'Harvard makes the powerful leaders of tomorrow'.

'It is almost as if you read my mind. Katniss.' I move my hand forward to indicate that we should shake hands. She took it and firmly shook my hand and I noticed her eyes brighten.

'Johanna. Johanna Mason,' she said as a smile overtook her lips.

'Well it is wonderful to make your acquaintance Johanna. You're not half bad.' I observed as I removed my elbow from the table and sat up straight.

'Same to you, Katniss. How's about we blow this Popsicle stand and head over to the back court? Plenty of social barricades there.'

'Sounds legit,' I replied and begin to gather my bags.

* * *

And with that, we became friends. In fact more than that, we became allies, dependant on each other for relief from our gruelling academic schedule. We formed a relationship based one our dislikes, which may seem wrong, but in the words of the great _Anonymous, '_Only hate is meaningful because it expresses philo-logical opposition, while love expresses no opposition, rendering it meaningless'. This is a quote I build my life upon.


	2. Chapter 1-A Funny Misunderstanding

**A Funny Misunderstanding**

**Authors Note**

I am so happy with the responses people. Give yourself a pat on the back. Anyway this chapter is a lot longer but I have longer ones planned. I will be starting a little thing that I thought of, which was having a little soundtrack to certain chapters of importance e.g. Katniss meeting Peeta and what not. Review on your opinions. Also I have a poll goign on how you want Katniss or Peeta to meet so do check it out. Not much happening in this chapter, just trying to develop Johanna and Katniss' relationship as well as give them a new start in a new setting. The apartment looks like that in New Girl in case you were love you all, thanks for supporting me. PM as I need a Beta. I love reviews bad or good, helps me write better. Smut is due soon so stick around. I suggest you follow or favourite the story because I know you guys are interested in Lemons and Smut but first I have to build a story. As I said I estimate 30+ chapters but I might just make it constanlty on going (I hate endings). The story will follow Katniss and Peeta mainly with their friends, how they grow overtime... and so on. Don't want to reveal too much. Love you all. Sorry for any mistakes in the form of grammar and spelling.

Stay Crispy

A/M

* * *

'Hey you lazy ass! Are you ready to go check it out?' Johanna nudged my arm gently as she ran up behind were in the parking lot behind my cold air but warm sun contrasted against my skin, it was a nice feeling. We were meant to be going to see the new apartment that we hoped to live in. I was excited, I must admit. Johanna and I have been dreaming for months about moving in together: we would constantly look through magazines and imagine we were decorating our ideal home. Johanna always said that she wanted us to live together because it would 'truly define our relationship as best friends till the sun stopped burning'. I was apprehensive at first but after too many boring nights spent alone looking outside my studio at students stumbling out of pubs, I decided it was best to move in with her. 'We'll eat nothing but Chinese and watch all those documentaries that you like. Oh and we will have this one drama series that we follow like a religion and every night we will stay up late discussing about whose child is whose and whether Brad and Monica will finally get together.' She put her hands up to the blue sky and moved them around as if painting the images of our fun nights in. I looked at her and slipped my arm through hers - together, finally I felt like I belonged. I laughed as her eyes widened as she built on all the possibilities: movie nights, 24 hour marathons of playing Assassin's Creed and endless supplies of greasy food from the local take away. She was often never positive, always seeing the downfalls in ideas and concepts, it was a change to see her this excited, a good change. 'Oh and I bet you will meet a really cute guy, oh… maybe we could double date!' The happiness washed from my face, and I pulled my hand out of the crook of her arm. I didn't want a boyfriend. When I was in high school I longed for one so badly that I changed myself just to try, but when boys did talk to me I couldn't tell them anything because I was a fraud, I was inadequate. So I started telling myself if they didn't approach me I didn't need them, and that philosophy has stood till today. Johanna sensed I had pulled away from her. 'Oh sorry, I forgot the whole 'I don't need a man to make it happen' Katniss law of life'. She looked at me, the autumn sun on her face and I could see there was a hint of regret and sadness in her eyes. Johanna never had any trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex, so she often never took it seriously until when she did she messed it up big time. Then she would come crying to me and we would spend the whole time eating cookie dough ice cream and shouting out to each other about how men are worthless and stupid. I would always leave her, thinking I had converted her to a life male free, but in a few days I would open her door to be met with Johanna wearing a massive tee-shirt that clearly wasn't hers and the faint smell of aftershave in her studio flat. 'Katniss, are you in a trance or something?' She clicked her fingers and I focused on her face again. She looked worried. I shook my head slightly and took a deep breath.

'Let's not focus on that right now,' I said, trying to sweep her comment away. I glanced at my watch. 'Come on, we're going to be late.' And with that I took her hand and pulled her towards the car park.

* * *

My car in many ways was not a car, but a miracle. I salvaged it from its miserable life in the scrap heap about 6 months ago, and since then I have grown deeply attached. It's a Volkswagen camper van, and when I showed it to Johanna she looked at me and sighed.

'You are going to be driving me around in that the rest of our university lives?'

I smiled at her with my hands in my pockets and rocked back and forth on my heels.

'Yep!' I replied. She rolled her eyes but agreed to help me get back in a useable condition. We ripped out the inside and laid down carpet in the back with loads of cushions and blankets, and in the front we covered the seats in some fabric, onto which we had ironed on some Andy Warhol pieces. On Johanna's seat she had 'Mao', her favourite work by him, and on mine I had 'Campbell's soup' with the quote 'Think rich, look poor' across the head rest. We painted the outside cream and turquoise. When we were finished, Johanna stuck a quote onto the back saying 'Will Plato throw Socrates into the water or not?' I chuckled to myself silently; we both had a thing of interest on the topic of paradoxes and philosophy. I was never one to get attached to material things, but something changed in me when the car was finished. It wasn't just a car. It was a moving vault of me and Johanna memories, joyful memories, painful memories, 'No one will ever come between us' memories that I cherished and loved. So in a way, I didn't love the physical aspect of the car, much rather what it in embodied and symbolised to me personally.

'This car is so old and disgusting; can't we at least get a new one? It doesn't have to be flashy, just made after WWII'. I gave her a quick glance. Sometimes her sarcastic super power is not a good thing. She always says how much she hates the car but deep down I know she loves it. In fact, she takes the liberty of cleaning it every two weeks because according to her, 'The least we could do is to keep this dinosaur clean'.

* * *

'Where is the apartment? You never gave me directions. You said it was close to campus but you need to be more precise. A street name would be useful perhaps?,' I said, a hint of annoyance in my voice.

'Calm the heck down Katniss! Just take a left here and park, we can walk down there from here,' she said, pointing with the wand of her mascara.I cast her a quick glance, her mouth slightly opened as she widened her eyes to stare into the small mirror in her hand. I never understood why she felt the need to wear makeup constantly. She looked fine to me; then again, I do not understand human preferences in the looks department.

'For God's sake Johanna, quit the makeup thing, you look fine. Don't tell me you're going to flirt with the estate agent?' I peered over the steering wheel; it was hard to see the road because the car was so high. All I hoped was that I wouldn't hit the rather expensive looking Mercedes in front of me.

'Well forgive me for wanting to look nice. And you never know, he may just lower the rent,' she said slyly, nudging my arm. We didn't even need the asking price to be lowered since we had enough money as it was (thanks to my excellent saving skills and ability to predict price rises in the economy), and I would have rather had as little interaction with this man as possible. I don't care much for estate agents; they always felt a bit shifty to me.

* * *

'What floor is it on?' I asked her as I shut the door and hoisted my bag over my shoulder.

'Umm fourth I think?' She replied as she walked up beside me. The building was an old factory and looked beautiful from the front, with floor to ceiling windows on every floor. We took the elevator because Johanna didn't want to 'get all huffed up for nothing' as she put it.

'I don't even understand why he's there, we've already secured the place, and all we're doing is just looking over it again to see what we may have to buy and stuff like that,' I exclaimed on the subject of the unwanted estate agent.

'Katniss, chillax, its fine. We can just ditch him if need be.'

I replied to her with a frown. She's always so laid back, as if the world could end and her answer to the wide spread chaos would be 'chillax'. Johanna knocked on the door and a short man in a tailored grey suit answered.

'Hello, wonderful to meet you, do come in,' he said, rather too enthusiastically.

'I don't like him,' I whispered into Johanna's ear as we walked through the door. She slapped my arm and grinned at him.

'I just know this is the one for us, don't you think so Katniss?' She looked at me eagerly and I knew that meant to turn on the charm.

'Oh yes, definitely. I love the layout, so spacious and light.' I looked at her, seeking a nod of approval, and indeed my fake act of charm had succeeded. After being shown around the man, James Arden, as we later found out, left us to roam around, despite the fact that we had seen the apartment already. I loved it. It was the perfect apartment; the walls were red brick and the floors were distressed wood. Johanna loved it because she felt it had of an 'artsy deco vibe' and in many ways she was right. I imagined artwork all over the walls, with the quirky sculptures that Johanna had in the hundreds scattered about. There were three bedrooms, which we didn't really need but were a nice addition. There were two bathrooms as well which solved the issue of a bath schedule.

'I claim this bathroom as my own!' Johanna squealed as she threw open the wooden door. I wasn't complaining as it was the smallest out of the two, but she liked the wallpaper and the vanity set which she needed more than I did. We walked round and sat down on the sofa with James.

'I hope you enjoyed the viewing. I just wanted to finalize the lease and agree on the rent if that's okay with you?' He asked and both of us nodded in agreement. He pushed a piece of paper towards us. 'As you can see the rent is $1,375 per month and in two years you will have the option to apply to buy the apartment if you wish,' he said as he pulled out another piece of paper form his file. 'If I could just get you both to sign here, please put the name of the main owner, the person who will pay the rent from their account, at the side there'. I reached and signed where he told us to and then handed the pen to Johanna. She signed her name with the flourish of a rich heiress, even though I was the one paying for the apartment. I pushed the paper back once we'd finished. He thanked us and put it back in his file.

'When can we move in?' Johanna asked anxiously.

'Well seeing as it is legally yours to stay in now, tomorrow is fine.'

With this Johanna gave a slight squeak of happiness and gripped my arm tightly. James appeared slightly awkward and stiff as he stood up to leave. As he turned to open the door he looked at us both and said 'I hope you two are very happy together, it is certainly a magnificent living space.' And then he shut the door. I looked towards Johanna with a look of confusion, and clearly she was thinking the same thing.

'Did he think that we…we were romantically involved?' She asked, her hand gesturing to the space between us. I looked at her for a few seconds then we both burst out in a fit of laughter.

'I told you you sometimes give of a lesbianish aura, Johanna,' I managed to say between oxygen deprived laughs. She hit my leg, not hard, but hard enough so I would feel it. I looked at her, stunned as I protectively rubbed my throbbing leg, but we then both broke down again. After the laughter had died down, we sat back on the sofa. 'You know, I'm really glad you're my friend, Johanna.'

'I'm glad your mine too. We did it Katniss. We freakin' did it. No more dreaming or hoping, we finally did it.'

* * *

**Authors Note (2.0)**

I hiped you guys enjoyed this chapter. I might change the others as I don't like how they are written but leave me your reviews. They make my soul shine with joy and happiness. Reviewing is the only way I'm going to get you to like this story, so tell me what is in your crazy mind peoplezzzzz. Anyway, thanks again for reading.


	3. Chapter 2-Compromise

** Compromise**

**Authors Note**

Hey guys. So I am really happy with the progress the story is making, this chapter is a bit more Johanna and Katniss but the next chapter will be very different I promise you. I badly need a Beta, as you can probably tell, to correct me. Nothing much happens but I need this background to be there for future situations. I have decided on how Katniss and Peeta meet. Yay! Please review as I am not sure how you all like it. If you are following I would like to thank you know, a special shout out to xxPeetaBreadxxx, who was the first to review and Thynerdgurl who is 'super adorable' I love you all. The chapter when they meet will or should be up later today.

_Love you all way too much_

**_Stay Crispy_**

A/M

* * *

'That's perfect. Throw it in the trolley then' I murmured as Johanna waved the millionth pillow we had seen roaming around IKEA in my face. 'I get the feeling you're not really focusing. Well excuse me for wanting to live somewhere that looks aesthetically pleasing' she said impatiently.

'Okay, okay… how about this colour, this goes with the colour scheme of rainbow you have going on' she rolled her eyes; clearly my sarcastic comment was not appreciated. 'Let's just go to the warehouse, get the furniture and I won't have to bore you any longer with my stupid babble' she said as she pushed the trolley past me so fast I felt a breeze. I ran up to catch up with her 'Look I'm sorry, I'm tired and if I upset you then I am truly sorry' I said, perhaps laying the sweetness on a bit too thick. She didn't say anything back; she just lightly pushed me away from her with a smirk on her face, which was her way of saying 'apology accepted'.

Once we finished paying, a hefty sum may I say of $3,000, we loaded the boxes into the back of my faithful campervan. 'See, she's not as useless as you say she is' I said smugly as I piled the last box into the van with ease. 'She? It has a gender now? I am afraid the toxic fumes have gotten to your brain' and with that she walked over to the passenger's side and entered the van. 'Oh it has a gender now' I imitated her tone under my breath as I pushed the cart back to its place'. As I walked back I noticed how cold it had gotten by my blue hands. So cold, that when I pulled the handle of the door it pained my hand. 'Whoa its freezing' I said as I rubbed my hands violently together before starting the ignition. 'I know right, I might have to break out the old fluffy parka soon' I burst out laughing at the image of Johanna last year when she turned up to my flat dressed in a huge green parka with a white fluffy lining and a large scarf wrapped all the way round her neck so only her sharp green eyes were visible. 'Ha ha, very funny, but I wasn't the one who came back with frost bite eating at her little toe was I now?' I was instantly silenced. Having seen her comment had gained the desired effect Johanna began to try and tune the radio to her favourite station. When she finally did find it our favourite song happened to be playing. 'And as the ten tonne truck, crashes into us, to die by your side is such a pleasure the privilege is mine' we belted out of our lungs. When I found out Johanna liked The Smiths it was a defining moment in our friendship. Whenever I tried to make conversation by talking about music with people and mentioned The Smiths I was always met with a face of utter confusion and disgust, but when I told Johanna her face lit up with joy and relief that 'finally someone with a decent taste in music and charisma had talked to her'.

* * *

We pulled up to the apartment and Johanna opened up the back and begun to attempt to heave the heavy flat packs up to the apartment. I run back to help her, 'It's going to take us ages to lug this upstairs you know' I said as she strained to press the button inside the elevator'. We stood in silence apart from the cheesy elevator music that played overhead. When we got out I only just managed to push the door open with my free hand. My back ached and I was only too happy when Johanna said we could put it down. 'You know what would really benefit us in this situation?'

'What?' I asked, interested as to what genius solution she had come up with to relieve us from our depressing situation. 'A strong muscly man to lift all this heavy stuff while we sit down and admire him at his work' she said coyly. I snap my eyes at her and glare, almost hard enough to burn through her heavy jacket. She promised, I don't care if she's joking. No men. Period. She picked up on my anger and whispered 'Of course, that is of course if men were allowed within a one hundred mile radius of this place' I smiled at her, she always knew how to writhe her way out of potentially heated conversations. I was glad she understood the severity of her promise. 'Well we better get cracking, there's like 200 more of these in the van'. I sighed, I was so tired, I don't even know why, it was like my bones and muscles decided to call it quits for today and have a little rest, although I still needed to move around, the were holding up a good fight.

* * *

'Is this the very last? You're sure of it, no more right' I said, cutting the air sideways with my hands to Johanna. 'Yep! Now all we need to do is assemble it all!' and with that I slumped myself onto the sofa, one of the little things that we didn't need to buy for the apartment. 'Oh, I'm too tired, can't we call one of the people form IKEA to do it for us?' I whined scrunching my face up to show my pain. 'Katniss! Are you very aware that one of those people who may come to help us might be man! Considering the nature of IKEA's business, I would say there is a good solid 70% chance that the person will be of a male persuasion', Johanna said this as she slapped her hand onto her heart and pulled the most innocent face which made her whole rant appear very sarcastic. I shut my eyes 'I don't give a damn, all I know is that if I carry one more thing my arms will literally fall of, 'I wriggled my arms like jelly to emphasise my point. 'Plus' I said my eyes darting wide open, 'If you dare to even flirt with him, that is if it is a male, I will lock you in the bathroom for good measure', Johanna seemed hurt by this, as if I would dare think she would break the 'good as gold' promise she made to me. She stood there, silent for what seemed like hours, 'Go call them then!' I shouted making her jolt. She ran to the phone quicker than ever before, and had dialled the number before I could close my eyes again.

* * *

'Katniss wake up! The _woman_ came here and assembled all of the stuff, you slept the whole way through,' I awoke startled and could vaguely make out Johanna towering over me as I lay on the bed. _A bed, when did we get this?_ I thought to myself. Johanna appeared to read my mind 'I got her to assemble the bed first so you could sleep' I smiled at her, she didn't often show it but Johanna was a very caring person. 'Come on! Have a look. It's amazing!' she shrieked as the hauled my arms away from the bed making me sit up. I was still a little groggy from the deep sleep as I plopped my way down the hallway to the open plan kitchen/living room/dining room. 'Isn't it gorgeous, and I drove to my house and picked up a few pieces' she squealed and ran up to the sofa and sat down. I stayed where I was, admiring the room. It did look amazing, it had to be said. On the red brick walls were some abstract pieces Johanna must have clearly gotten from her apartment. I stepped forward expecting the cold wooden floor, but was surprised to be met with a soft green carpet that covered the whole living room of the floor space. The cabinets and storage pieces were a bit bare, but none of us had really moved in as yet. 'Wow, this is amazing' I said as I run my finger along the dark wood table we had bought. 'Doesn't it?' she squealed. I sat down next to her on the sofa and she handed me a remote, 'What's this for?' I asked, confused because there was clearly no television in the whole house. 'Just press this button' she pointed to a blue button with an image of doors on it. I did as she asked, at first nothing happened, but then a whirring sound came from the cabinet in front of us and a massive 55'' television rose up out it. My mouth fell to the floor 'Oh my God! When did we get this? How did you… when?' I said still admiring the television.

'The lady said it was free because we bought so much stuff. Apparently they have this partnership with Panasonic. I wasn't complaining, she even fixed it inside the cabinet so it would not take over the whole room' she stated, 'very matter of factly', I could tell she hadn't expected things to turn out this good. The apartment finally looked like home, our home, just the two of us. 'Hey! You know what we need?' she turned round to me and slapped my arm, rather too hard.

'What?' I replied, confused, we already had everything if that more.

'A house party to break the house in?'she posed it as a question, the words tumbling out of her mouth so quick that I barely caught what she was saying. It was like she was worried I would object. She knew how I felt about social gatherings, and how much I hated them, especially when we had to host them. Her face fell, realising that my immediate reaction wasn't to jump up and down shouting how amazing and idea it was. 'How about…' I began, trying to compromise. My dad always used to tell me, when there are two people, who want opposite things; you have to compromise, so you can both get what you want'. Johanna's eyes began to widen, 'We invite Delly and Madge over for a little hang out session' I continued, but this didn't seem to satisfy her because her face fell again and she slumped her shoulders. 'Or' I said attempting to turn it around, 'we could throw a massive party and invite everyone we know for a nice get together' this appeared to be the answer she was trying to get out of me all along. I was in big trouble, since I was technically the one who said, I had to stick with it and not back out at the last minute, as I was known to do. My statement caused her to jump up and down and run around the whole apartment screaming 'Part-ey!' and at one point I could have sworn I heard yodelling coming from her room. I shrugged it off, I didn't really want a party, heck I wanted to start the 24 hour Assassin's Creed marathon right now, but if it made Johanna happy then I wasn't totally against the idea. I heard heavy footsteps running up towards me and Johanna caught me in a vice like hug, forcing all of the air out of my lungs. She let go, I turned around and saw that she was beaming from ear to ear. 'Thank you thank you thank you! I know how you don't like social gatherings, scratch that, you don't like social anything, but I think this party will be good, we could make some friends,drink alcohol, you know, have fun and stuff' she hugged me again and a smile crept upon my face, maybe it wouldn't be too bad, as long as Johanna was happy, I didn't care.


	4. Chapter 3-Piercing Blue

**Piercing Blue**

**Author's Note**

Hey ma peeps! This is one of the longest chapters I have very written, so please tell me your feedback. Quit a lot of faffing, but I needed to set the mood and stuff. Guess who she meets judging by the title *hint, hint*. I am so pleased with the response this has gotten, maybe people just want to read a long fan fiction, I'm guessing. Anyway review and comment with your opinions and suggestions for future chapters. I will only get to update over the weekend, maybe Saturday, so I hope this tides you over till then. Love you all

_Stay Crispy_

A/M

* * *

'Ouch, you're actually hurting me!' Johanna was attempting to fit me into a dress two sizes too small. 'You will fit. You must fit!' she seethed as her face began to turn red with both physical exertion and anger. After one final yet failing heave I collapsed onto into the corner of the dressing room. 'Let's face it Johanna. I'm not a party person, never was, never will be. So what's the point in dressing me up to be something I'm not? I've done that once before and we both know how that turned out' I said defeated and exhausted. I had gone shopping with Johanna with good intentions; I planned to compliment her on the hundreds of dresses she tried on and maybe get some new sneakers. How the tables have turned, I am the one who is stuffed into a sparkly sequinned cocktail dress and she's the one standing holding all the clothes (with a new pair of sneakers on, may I add). 'Well excuse me for wanting my best friend to look nice for the party that _she _suggested in the first place' she said defensively. By now I had taken of the dress and handed it to Johanna to add to the ever increasing pile of clothes I either didn't want or were too small. I turned away from the mirror to change, I hated seeing my body. It's not that I was fat or anything (although with the amount of Oreos I consume it is a miracle how), I was just very insecure. 'Oooooooohhhhh' I dropped my jeans in shock, 'for God's sake Johanna, can you try and keep your voice below 1,000 freakin' decibels in public areas' I retorted as I tried to fish out my jeans that I seemed to have lost in the sea of clothes. 'Check you out hot bod. It's not even fair, no offence but you don't really do much in terms of physical exercise' she wined, making it seem like I didn't deserve my body. I didn't reply, I didn't want to talk about it, instead I busied myself with putting on the rest of my clothes as quickly as possible. I know it was a compliment and I should feel happy, but I was mortified by the fact that she had even looked at my body for more than half a second. 'Let's go' I said as I opened the thin purple curtain. I looked back to realise she wasn't there but I could hear rustling and the clicking of hangers.

'Johanna?' I shouted

'Yeah be there in a second, just go to the car without me, just putting the clothes back on the rack' she replied all too quickly, but I thought nothing of it as I meandered my way back to the car through the car park.

* * *

'Hey Katniss, do you want us to go home or just sleep in this car park forever?' I shot up instantly and could vaguely make out Johanna's slender frame towering over me. I must have slept.

'Jesus Christ Johanna, how long were you in there for?' I mumbled in my dreamy state.

'Oh I just picked up a bit of makeup from the Mac store' she trilled, clearly happy with herself.

'More? You know what, I'm not even going to ask, let's just get home' and with that I turned on the ignition and sped out of the car park.

* * *

I curled myself up in the corner of the large sofa while Johanna paraded a million outfits in front of me with her long brown hair cascading down her back as she twirled to show of the whole shebang. It made me feel rather inferior in my hoodie and sweatpants, but I was used to it, being friends with Johanna could be a bit testing at times, especially since every single person we met would engage with her and leave me silently in the background. But I was fine with it, especially since I knew she didn't do it on purpose, she just has that aura that meant almost everyone was attracted to her; she's funny, beautiful, tall, slim and intelligent. A normal person wouldn't think twice about being Johanna's friend for fear she would steal all the limelight, but I am not normal and have no limelight for her to steal, anyway, I like her just the way she is, perfections and all.

'What do you think Katniss? I don't really like the hem on this one, it frays easily and is way too short' I looked up to see Johanna in a tight fitting sequined dress with three quarter sleeves that rested about two to three inches above her knee. My jaw dropped. She looked stunning. Her hair had tumbled in front of her face and she was looking at me expectantly. 'You look like I peeled you straight of the cover of a magazine. I think the dress looks fine and the hem length is perfecto' I said as I brought my fingers together and pretended to kiss them like an extravagant Italian restraint owner. 'Thanks Katniss…but something tells me _I _won't be the _only_ one looking hot tonight' she said teasingly as she walked back to her room. I paused for a second to think about what she just said, _of course she won't be the only one looking hot tonight, all the girls will pull out a showstopper for this party because it's the perfect chance to meet boys, except me that is. _ I brushed the thought away and picked up the book on the side table, it was _The Selfish Gene_by _Richard Dawkins_. I must admit, I was a bit of a nerd when it came to reading, and I have been known to shut myself in my room for hours on end without any link to the outside world just to read one book in a day. I flipped through, trying to find the page I had left off from (I think doggy-earing a book should be counted as an act of cruelty).

I was just beginning to become absorbed on the topic of the gene's importance in evolution when Johanna came pounding up to the sofa and ripped the book from my hands. My hands were still positioned as if I was still reading the book, half expecting her to give it back, but after a few seconds I just dropped my arms to my side. 'Come on! It's five and the party starts at nine. What are you still doing in your sweatpants? I've called Delly and Madge and they're coming over to help with beauty preparations and they'll be here any minute, now move your lazy ass' she pulled me against my will to stand up. I ignored her, offended by the fact that my quiet time had been violated and that she called me lazy. As I plodded back to my room to put on a pair of jeans I heard the familiar melody of the doorbell followed by a rush of greeting and giggling. I figured out it must have been Madge and Delly.

'So where's Katniss?', I could barely make out what Madge was saying, these brick walls were extremely good sound insulators.

'Does Katniss know about her new….? '

'Shhh!' I heard Johanna hiss, 'She doesn't know about it so keep the voices down'

I frowned, what could Johanna possibly be hiding from me? We don't keep any secrets from each other, heck , I don't even have any secrets to hide in the first place. I tried to figure out the possible endings to what Madge said. _New lipstick? New shoes? New video game?_ No. That couldn't be it, I thought harder, and suddenly everything made sense; making me try on skimpy dresses, inviting Madge and Delly over for a beauty session, all the giggling and hushed squeals of excitement. _Does Katniss know about her new __**man? **_I played the sentence over and over in my mind, as if hoping the words would somehow change or rearrange themselves or just disappear altogether. Was Johanna trying to set me up? I started shaking and felt around for the solidity of the bed frame. No. She wouldn't break her promise. She said it herself; her promises are as good as gold. What else could be new for me that I didn't know about? I was so deeply lost in my train of thought, that when I turned to see Madge standing by the doorframe I jumped. 'Hey Katniss! We were just about to start. Are you coming?' I quickly erased all the worry and confusion that had taken over my face. 'Yeah, yeah, sure' I said as I closed the door behind me and followed Madge to Johanna's room. At least I thought it was Johanna's room, she had turned the whole place into a replica spa. Spread across her whole dressing table was the most make up I've ever seen, and the bed was splayed with plenty of magazines to occupy us. There were towels stacked on the shelf by the window and the faint hum of two foot bath machines filled the room. The three girls were all dressed in purple fluffy robes and had white slippers on. 'Wow' was the only word I could form, as Johanna handed me my own purple robe. 'Go take a shower and we will be ready and waiting when you get back, just think of us as your personal beauty team. Madge hair, Delly makeup and me clothes!' she squealed whilst ushering me to her bathroom. As she shut the door she yelled 'There's conditioner and shampoo on the side. Make sure you use them and no others. Oh, plus there's like a billion shower gels, just pick one that smells decent for Christ's sake Katniss'. But I had already drowned out the sound of her voice by turning on shower. I increased the jet power and let the water drop onto my body and drip off as I stood completely still and for a few minutes there was nothing, nothing that I had to think of. Each tiny drop that rolled off my body was like a stress off my mind.

After cleansing myself, physically and mentally, I was ushered into the chair and held down by Delly. 'Madge is just going to do your hair while I do your make up, okay?' she said to me, as if I was a child having her first haircut. I nodded slowly and closed my eyes as the soothing whirring sound of the hair dryer filled my ears. Delly began raiding the makeup stock trying to 'find the right shade for your skin tone' as she phrased it. I saw her come over with a worrying amount of makeup in her hands.

* * *

She smeared, dabbed, rubbed and powdered for what seemed like hours.

'Are you done yet Delly?' I asked tapping my fingers as I grew impatient; I noticed I tap my fingers a lot, when I'm worried, nervous or impatient and shortly stopped.

'Oh darling… that was only the foundation!' she trilled, putting on a fake posh accent. I groaned, I couldn't take much more of this.

She quickly ran back to Johanna's dressing table and pulled out two small black objects and skipped back over to me. With the first, she revealed black eyeliner.

'Oh no you're not!' I said as I dodged the offending item causing Madge to yell at me for moving my head.

'Oh yes I am Katniss. Trust me, it'll look beautiful' she smiled at me reassuringly and I reluctantly settled back into the seat. I close my eyes and felt the cold black liquid sweep across my eyelid. I turned my head so she could do the same with the other, and I slowly began to relax. It was just a party, just a bit of fun. I mean, who doesn't like dressing up, it's what girls do, accept it Katniss. I pouted my lips slightly so she could smear a bright red pigment on to my lips. I wanted to point out the stupidity of getting dressed up to stay in my own home but decided against it.

'There! All done,' she said with a satisfactory smile. Madge peered over and Johanna turned around from the outfits she was busy organising to stare at me. They looked shocked but Johanna gave Delly huge thumbs up and grinned 'Katniss you don't even know how amazing you look'. I took this to be a good sign, Madge finished on my hair soon after. From what I could feel, there was no mirror around, my hair was down, big and wavy, a far cry away from the neat sideways plait I normally put in. Madge ushered me towards Johanna. As she saw me approaching she shot her arms and legs wide across the door, trying to hide God knows what away from me.

'So Katniss' she murmured as she stole quick glances to Madge and Delly. 'This morning I took a while coming back to the car today when we went shopping right', I rolled my eyes; a while was an understatement (I managed to fall asleep in the time she was gone!). 'Well I kind of lied' she continued, a grin beginning to creep onto her face. 'I was actually buying you a killer dress for the party! I can't wait for you to see it'. My heart tightened and my mind raced as I wondered what skimpy threads of an outfit lay behind her body for me to wear. 'Before I show it to you, please just give it a try and see if you like it. If you don't you can just wear jeans and a tee, I'm cool with that' she blurted it out as if she already knew my answer.

'It depends on what it is first' I replied. I wasn't about to try on just any old dress knowing Johanna's sense of style. Silence. I looked around the room to find Dell and Madge holding hands on the bed, looking hesitantly towards me, as if I could be the winning numbers on the lotto. 'Fine!', I groaned and snatched the outfit from Johanna's hands as I stormed off to my bathroom. I was full of contradicting emotions. I had managed to figure out that the outfit must have been what they were talking about at the door, which filled me with relief. But I was slightly at Johanna, what if she picked something for me that was not me? I don't want to be a fake, I want to be me. On the other hand I felt happy and special that Johanna had tried to get me something to where, because she very well knows that the majority of my wardrobe is jeans and tee shirts. I shut the door behind me, my hands slightly shaking. I was apprehensive to say the least. I hung the clothes behind the door and realised that it wasn't in fact a dress that Johanna had picked out (thank the sweet baby Jesus), but a really fashionable yet laid back compilation of a big jean jacket, to go with a pair of faded blue jeans. Then I noticed the most amazing top ever. It was a white, loose hanging tee shirt with the Penrose triangle in the middle printed on in black and white. It was the most amazing outfit I have ever seen, but I didn't know whether it would be amazing on me. I hurriedly pulled on the clothes, starting with the jeans. After I had finished, I hesitantly turned to look at myself in the full sized mirror. I squeezed my eyes shut until I could see little floaters of orange light. _Come one Katniss, you can't hide forever, someday or other you're going to have to look. _I took a deep breath, as if it was the last breath I was going to take and sprung my eyes open. Silence. The outfit looked amazing, even on my petite frame, but I still felt like me, like Katniss, only better. I smiled to myself; I might just enjoy this party.

'Wow'

'Oh My God'

'You look like a freakin' model Katniss' Johanna was the last to add on to the comments of shock that overtook the room. I turned on my heels slowly to show the full outfit to the already dressed and glammed up Madge, Delly and Johanna. I didn't look like them, they were all wearing dresses. Madge had on a dark blue shift dress, Delly wore a pink cocktail dress and Johanna had on the sequined dress she tried on earlier. 'Let's get this party started girls!' Johanna belted as she trotted over on her tip toes to slip into her ridiculously high black heels, Madge and Delly followed suit. 'Oh Katniss, you're shoes are in that box' Johanna said, pointing to a black cardboard box on the bed. I walked over and opened it up to find a pair of sneakers. Johanna gave me a knowing and excited smile. 'Do you like them?' I nodded, stunned and amazed. They were converses with a black leather outer lining and a bright red flap. I quickly slipped them on. Good, I still felt like me. And with that, we exited to the room to the sound of our first guests arriving. 'Right on time!' Madge exclaimed as she briskly walked up to the door. _Okay. Showtime Katniss. Talk about music, pretend you like it even though it's the worst thing on earth, don't babble on about Socrates, nobody likes him, and for God's sake don't mention paradoxes._

* * *

I slowly walked up to the door, the blaring and intrusive sound of_ Gangsters Paradise _by _Coolio_ behind me. Who the hell was picking the soundtrack? I was forced to open the door for the first time because everyone else was busy taking shots and I don't do alcohol. I sprung the latch and swung the door slightly open, you have to be careful in this crazy world.

'Hey' a boy with intense blue eyes and blond hair greeted me.

'Hi, would… would you like to come in?' I said nervously. He was overpowering, I don't know how, maybe it was his eyes, or the way he stood but he just looked…intense. I opened the door wider for him to enter, and I noticed he hadn't taken his eyes of me. I stole a quick glance to Johanna, still doing shots; I guess it was up to me to entertain him. I looked around, small talk was not my thing, and he just stood there, staring at me like I was a freak or an alien or something. No, it wasn't like that. It was different; no one has ever looked at me like that before. I shivered slightly. I turned around, so my back was facing him, but I could still feel his blue eyes piercing through my skin. I led us to the island counter by the kitchen where there were two high stools. I sat down. A part of me wanted him to find a friend of his and leave me alone, but a small fraction of my being wanted him to stay. I watched him as he left to get a drink, but made his way back to where I was sitting and perched himself on the wooden stool. We sat there, in awkward silence, I slowly went to reach for my soda, and out of the corner of my eye I could see his eyes were still strong and present on me. My heart was racing and I felt dizzy. 'Umm I know this may seem like a weird question to ask' the sound of his voice made me jerk, causing me to spill a drop of my drink on the floor. The words sounded charming and charismatic coming from his lips. I dared to look into his eyes for the first time, _make eye contact, show that you are open to a conversation,_ I thought. I tilted my head up to meet his eyes, still piercing, still blue. He seemed to brighten up when I made eye contact because he smiled slightly, and the corners of his eyes creased ever so slightly. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He appeared hesitant, 'but are you the owner of a white and turquoise Volkswagen Campervan?'


	5. Chapter 4-Talking to Strangers

**Talking to Strangers**

Long time no see, anyway here is chapter 4. It isn't too lon gbut I'm planning to continue it into the next chapter so yeah. I hope you like it. Thank You to all my followers, you are amazing! Please read and review, it makes me happy to know what you think, only if you have the time though.

Thank You so much again

_Stay crispy_

A/M

* * *

'Yes.' A prickly sensation ran through my spine. I clutched my cup tighter in an attempt to ease the tension building in my body. My mouth was dry. My head was spinning. My body felt like it was on fire. _Please leave. Oh God, please leave me alone. I don't know you. _

'They're my favourite car. I've always dreamed of owning one but never did anything about it.' He zoned out, and for the first time, his eyes left mine. He looked nostalgic as he reflected on his dream, as if somehow it was already dead and he knew it

'You like Campervans?' I asked as my body relaxed slightly, at least we were talking without ten minute pauses. Besides, I was intrigued about his interest in Campervans. No one I knew, not even Johanna, liked Campervans; they thought they were dead cars, only ever to be seen in the gloomy hallways of unvisited car museums.

'Yeah, I love them. But I especially liked yours. I mean, I haven't seen an awful lot of them hanging around campus but yours looked different. I don't know, maybe I'm just being…'

'How?' I surprised myself, since when was I this social?

'What do you mean?' he asked, a look of confusion spread on his face.

'How is my car different?'

'Oh,' he smiled, leaning back slightly, carefully thinking about his reply, 'It was just the way it looked, like it was part of something else, like it wasn't just a car, I don't know. And the quote on the back, about Socrates and Plato…what does it mean exactly?' His brows were furrowed as he raked his hands through his hair and leaned in closer to me.

I froze. _Oh no! He brought up paradoxes. But surely it was acceptable? I mean he brought it up not me. Therefore it would be logical to continue the conversation by moving onto the wonderful topic paradoxes._

I sighed, placing my cup down onto the counter so I could then fidget with my hands. I paused, well aware that if I dare delved into the depth of philosophy with this stranger, he may just think I'm a complete and utter mental case... then again, who cared, I was probably never going to meet him again. I felt his eyes on mine again as I fidgeted with my hands, trying to figure out how to explain the concept of paradoxes to him.

'Well it's basically this paradox thing. Johanna and I kind of have a thing for it. What happened was that this philosopher called Socrates wanted to cross a river, but to do so he had to go over the bridge. But as he was approaching the bridge, this other philosopher called Plato told him that he would only let him pass if the first statement he said was true, if not, he would throw him straight into the freezing cold water. Do you understand so far?' I asked, worried that I had spoken too quickly.

'Yes. At least I think so. Continue' he replied, eager to hear what else I had to say.

'So then Socrates, the man who wants to cross the bridge says 'you will throw me in the water'. But obviously Plato can't throw him in the water, because he won't be keeping his promise. But if he lets Socrates pass, then what he said would be untrue, going against his statement. So basically, Plato can only cross the bridge if he doesn't. Does that make sense? Oh God, I'm being stupid.'

I turned my chair away from him, I felt like running. Running out of the room and into a forest, where no one could talk to me because they wouldn't find me. Alone and content, both of which were miles away from my current situation. I was about to walk off, when all of a sudden I felt him turn me to face him using the back of the high stool. I felt violated and exposed. Why wouldn't he just leave me alone?

'Yes. It makes complete sense,' he said softly. His eyes. Again. They were always just there, I didn't know how to explain it, and there was something, something undefinable about them that I couldn't walk away from. I stared at him. I didn't know what to say. There was nothing I could say.

'Have you by any chance read _Illusions in Architecture _by _Gabriel Jones_? You probably haven't but I just wondered since you seem interested in things like that.'

'No I haven't. Why? Is it interesting?' I cast a quick glance of the room. It was still buzzing with commotion, there were people on the sofa talking and laughing while others sat in front of the television playing Halo. No one was near the kitchen except us.

'Yeah actually. I mean it might interest me more since I'm studying to be an architect but I don't know…' he seemed shy all of a sudden; the confident façade he had held a few minutes ago was gone.

'Oh. That's really amazing. How far are you into your course?' I asked, I had begun to feel less cautious of what I said.

'Two years but the course is quite long. Do you study on campus?' While he was talking, I had rested my elbow on the worktop and supported my head with my hand. All the worry I had had about talking to him had been erased.

'Yeah actually, I majored in Psychology and minored in Philosophy. But to be honest, the only reason I'm even here is due to the very cunning persuasiveness of my academics-obsessed parents.'

He laughed at this, dropping his head so his loose blonde curls fell forward. His laugh was almost melodic, with intricate high and low notes.

'I'm guessing you don't like Harvard then?' He questioned with a hint of a smile on his lips.

'I find it pretentious. All the students here think that they automatically deserve everything they get. The only reason they come here is to get a ready-made path to academic fame and riches. It's full of rich chicks whose 'daddies' paid for them while using their influential political power to keep them in. And on the rare occasion that someone did get in by working hard, they are almost instantly formed into a stuck up douche bag, completely distancing themselves from their previously mediocre existence. The teachers are even worse. They think they are so great, teaching at Harvard, and are so up themselves that they care more about keeping their reputation intact than actually teaching students and letting them learn. Therefore, everyone leaves thinking that they are instantly above 99% of people when they go for a job interview, but meanwhile, in the real world, people were actually working their asses off, gaining skills, learning to fend for themselves. So when all the over qualified stupid Harvard students walk in, they are shocked that all the 'stupid' people they left behind to suffer on government benefits actually gained useable qualifications and beat them to the job. So I guess, yes, you could say I don't like Harvard.'

I let out a long sigh. I felt like all my anger about Harvard had been pent up, stored in this small vessel, and all it needed was the right question at the right time to set it off. I turned to face him after noticing I had begun staring menacingly at a bow of Doritos opposite me. His mouth was slightly open and an expression that resembled both shock and interest dominated his face. I blushed, having realised how stupid, ungrateful and ignorant I must have appeared to him. Now I wanted to run away and seek solace in the valleys of my comforter. I stared at a small hole in the wooden floor boards, wishing it could suck me in, anything to escape this moment, this feeling of embarrassment and humiliation. I didn't dare to lift my head; for fear that his face would bear a look of disgust and disgrace.

'Wow. That's the first time anyone has told the truth. And I mean the real, raw, saddening truth about this place.' I lifted my head, looking at him through the curtain of hair that hung over my face. He wasn't facing me; he had turned his stool to face the living room with his arms resting behind on the countertop. I couldn't believe what he had just said. Another sane human saw Harvard as a sham, a lame excuse for an educational institution, the same way I did. It was a glorious but saddening moment. It didn't just mean that someone had the same opinion as me, but it also meant that other people were beginning to see Harvard for what it truly was. But how can a lie exist without pretenders? If there were no pretenders the lie would be exposed, in all its fraudulent glory. But as much as I hated Harvard, I didn't want to see its downfall in my time. It was once an amazing institution, famed for its astonishing breakthroughs, excellent students and unbeatable ethos. But now, in my eyes at least, it was nothing more than a fading cinder compared to the roaring fire it used to bring to the academic world several years ago.

'You really honestly think so? You're not just saying that to make conversation right?' I was confused; his answer seemed too good to be true.

'Yes. Honestly, maybe not as much as you,' he said with a smile on his face, 'But I have noticed how corrupt the school is – the teachers too – and I don't like it.' He said this while gazing over the still lively party. I turned to see Johanna leaning on the wall beside me, clearly drunk.

'Can you go and ge-get me a freakin' wine glass for God's sake. You can't do anything, no one does anything around here,' she slurred. Her once perfect makeup had smudged and smeared around her bloodshot eyes. I looked at her, horrified. I had often seen her drunk, but this was different, she looked scary, sickly almost.

'Excuse me for a moment.' I turned to face the person whose name I still did not know sitting next to me. 'I kind of have to help my friend,' I said, nodding to Johanna whose head had now slumped and hit the countertop, her hair a tangle of mangled curls.

'Do you want some help, I can come with you if you want 'he gave me a reassuring smile.

'No that's fine, I'm alright' I replied as I hauled Johanna's arm over my shoulder and dragged her to the bathroom.

* * *

The distant thumping of the music continued as I slowly manoeuvred Johanna into her bathroom down the dark corridor. I managed to quickly push the door open with my free hand and prop her on the toilet seat. God she looked a mess. Her eyes looked blank, completely lacking in emotion as she stared bluntly at the floor.

'Let's get you cleaned up,' I said as I wet a towel under warm water. I rubbed gently at the make up around her eyes.

'You know Katniss, there are several hot men out there looking for a good time,' she mumbled.

'Shut up Johanna. Remember, no men at all.'

'Oh for Christ's sake Katniss! Get over yourself. Just because you can't get a stupid date doesn't mean you have to turn both of us into emotionally cut off nuns you know!'

'You don't mean that. You're drunk and confused.' I said more to myself than her. I knew she didn't mean it, did she?

'I do fucking mean it. You always drop your emotional shit onto other people who don't want to deal with your stupid emotional shit.'

'You don't mean it,' I chanted as I dragged her to her room. I opened the door and dumped her onto the bed. I roughly took of her heels and spread the comforter around her.

'Stay here.' I commanded.

'No. Don't tell me what to do bitch. I am gonna go out and enjoy what's left of this party, because living with you, it's the only one we are going to have for the next ten shitty years.'

Her words blended together as she stumbled out of bed and attempted to make her way back to the party, hitting both the door and the wall on her way in her drunken state. I knew she didn't mean what she was saying. It's just the alcohol, not her, I kept reassuring myself. She would never say anything bad about me, would she? I was brought out of thought when I heard the sound of shattering glass followed by cursing and yelling coming from the kitchen and knew, I just knew Johanna had to be involved.


End file.
